Written By: Harshita Mansukhan
We are human beings and as humans, we feel a need to belong. We feel the need to be accepted. But what if this need goes beyond control? That's when people-pleasing comes into play. Now, what exactly is pleasing people? It is a tendency to please others often at the expense of one's own physical/mental/emotional needs.
There's nothing wrong with being polite, kind and helping others. The devil is in overdoing the kindness, which is often referred to as the ‘Good girl' - Syndrome. There are a lot of reasons for this behavior, mainly revolving around culture, genetic composition and upbringing of an individual.
Culture plays a great role in developing one's tendency to please people. In many cultures around the world, we see that women are more prone to be people-pleasers rather than men because they are taught to be more self-sacrificing. They are taught that to be accepted by society they have to give up on their own needs and wants. But it's not that men are not taught something similar. They are taught that to meet the needs of others, they have to compromise their own needs. The thing is that, even in 2021, women are more conditioned to the traits of people pleasing than men are which makes them more prone to several emotional and mental illnesses as they are compromising on their own needs to meet the needs of others.
Genetic factors also contribute a great deal. There are certain genes which regulate our temperament and our reactions to different actions happening around us. For example a certain category of people called the Highly Sensitive People (HSP) which make up about 20% of the human population are more sensitive to the needs of others and how others see them, so they tend to be greater people-pleasers than the rest of the population.
Another very important thing that plays a very very significant role is the upbringing of an individual. The relationship with their parents, whether they felt constantly loved, or felt loved only when they did something that pleased their parents determines a lot. This can be the most important factor of all. So a good upbringing is really necessary for the overall well being of an individual, because due to poor parenting skills, not only one person suffers, but that negativity is passed on to generations, being considered normal.
Creating boundaries is really important for one to stop the habit of pleasing people. They need to identify their own needs and keep them above everything else. Knowing that keeping yourself as the priority isn't selfish, but is self-love. Understanding that you can't control what others think or feel about you and you can't make everyone happy is a thing of utmost importance. Defining your goals in life and focusing on what is important might help too. Most of all, knowing your self-worth, and that you are the best version of yourself, despite what others think is the key. All of this will take a lot of patience and strength, but once you master the art of not pleasing people, you'll be the happiest version of you!
So many interesting points, and super on point message!